To Gay or Not to Gay Archive

First off, I would like to apologize to readers for the long absence; time gets crunched and we are forced to put things on the back burner, but I am back and ready to go.

While we all are recovering from the disappointment in the outcome of this election; I would like to remind everyone that this country is OUR country. We have a voice and we have the ability to make change.

With that being said, it is not a time to flee the country and leave the events to unfold without a fight. If you are worried about the changes that are upcoming; stay and fight to keep them away. Fight harder than we have fought before. Change is inevitable, and although I do not agree with the outcome we cannot change the fact that it happened.

Remain optimistic; Here are a few signs of hope for our country:

In Popular vote; Hillary won the election by over 200,00 Votes.

Voters between the ages of 18-25 from all but 8 states would have given Hillary the presidency. (https://twitter.com/ebyard/status/796317753749729280)

These two facts alone, tells me that the future of our country is bright; whatever wrong we have to endure, and fights we have to struggle through, it truly will get better.

Hillary’s concession speech was inspiring; and instead of bad mouthing and bashing Trump let’s hope for success and that the changes made will not be to irreparable. Let’s build the support needed for if and when things do get bad, and pray for the strength to endure anything thrown our way.

We do not need a president to “Make America Great Again” we have the ower to do this on our own, and keep the changes and progression we have made valid through perseverance and strength in numbers.

Suicide. A selfish act? Or a last resort of someone whom does not have the support system to help them through a rough time.

Within the past few month my family and I have lost two people to suicide. One of these people I didn’t know and the other I once considered a friend. Their deaths have been weighing on my mind a lot lately, keeping me awake, and finally I have the clarity to write about it.

There is so much in life to live for, so much good, so much love. I believe that a lot of people feel that they cannot talk to family and friends without being rejected or thrown aside. I know that in the past I have felt that way, but have learned that there is more meaning to life than the pain we feel

As a teenager, I fell into the rut of not feeling love, not feeling like I had a place in this world. I was afraid to talk to anyone, the first person to come out in my highschool, and went from being on of the most popular people in the school to being on of the most hated. I felt that I couldn`t talk to my family for the fear of being told i was over reacting or taking things to heart too much. I had attempted suicide ten times, each time being less successful than the last, and with each one no one knew. I was a self-mutilator, and used the physical pain of cutting myself to dull the emotional pain i was feeling but couldn`t actually feel. Looking back now I realize how lost in myself I really was, how selfish I was being, and how much pain i would have caused those who loved me.

These family friends had reached the point I was at and had, in their minds, no other choice. I wish that I could express how hurt I am to have seen this break apart the will and happiness of so many families. The act of suicide seems selfish to those of us looking in on the situation, but to those experiencing it, it is a last resort. From experience I know how these people have felt, I just wish I was able to portray how much I could have been there for the one I personally knew. There is always someone in life that you can go and talk to. Never feel as if you are alone. Reach out, call a friend, call a family member, and if you have to call a hotline and talk to a stranger that will not judge you.

There is more to life, you are meant for more. And if you feel like you can reach out to no one else, reach out to me @ Advice_togyornottogay@aol.com

In search of inspiration for my next blog, I came across a music video that I am ashamed I am just discovering. "All-American Boy" By Artist Steve Grand was uploaded on YouTube on July 2nd, and By July Tenth had over a million views (Now getting close to two million). The song and video has created a buzz in the media, which has labeled Grand, "The first openly gay country singer." An inaccurate label, but one that has made things happen for him.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pjiyjYCwNyY

Not only was I impressed by the song, which brought back many memories of my own personal experience, but I was also moved by the artist himself. As I read more about the artist, watched his CNN interview, and read through other interviews, the story of this man is incredible. He is a true role-model for the gay community. (Some of the information from these interviews I am going to paraphrase but will include links to all of the ones I have read through, as well as the CNN interview.)

The Music Video was paid for by Grand himself, maxing his credit card and spending his saved money to do so. He is managing himself and taking advice from a friend to try and get his career started. The video has gotten him attention from agents and he is trying to go about it intelligently.

As a teenager grand was subject to ex-gay therapy as a teenager, and has over come many obstacles that we all can relate to. Reading his story from the numerous posts, hearing his interview, and listening to his song has made me respect him in many ways. We need more of this in society, more openness and less closets.

I hope his story can be an inspiration to all of you, as much as for me. Pass this on, and read through these interviews.

http://youtu.be/PlIEJIuTHm0

http://www.buzzfeed.com/mattbellassai/the-story-behind-gay-singer-steve-grands-all-american-boy

http://www.advocate.com/commentary/2013/07/23/op-ed-steve-grand-role-model-gay-youth-need

http://www.edgeonthenet.com/entertainment/music/features//147975/meet_steve_grand,_%E2%80%99all_american_boy%E2%80%99

rape[ reyp ] noun 1. the unlawful compelling of a person through physical force or duress to have sexual intercourse. 2. any act of sexual intercourse that is forced upon a person. 3. statutory rape

In a culture where sex is so easily and freely available to men (manhunt, grindr, adult friend finder, craigslist, etc) I find it generally unbelievable how many people still have the experience of being raped. This experience scars an idividual for life, and while they may learn to live with the experience, it is something that will haunt there nightmares and fears for the rest of their lives.

How many people do you know that have been raped? I personally believe that 1 is too many. Many people close to me have been on the recieving end of this crime, including myself.

What do you do?

How do you move on?

How do you trust again?

All legitimate and hard to answer questions. There are variables that make each case of rape different, between severity of violence as well as relationship of your abuser to you.

I know I still struggle with anxiety from my experience in certain situations. Panic attacks and mental breakdowns are a possibility for.me, and my situation was neither severe nor extremely truamatic.

Moving past the ordeal is hard. And although you will never forget, you can always ease the pain that you feel. Talking with someone, allowing justice to be served, and refusing to be restricted by the experience are the only ways to work past it. Blocking the experience out is a bandaid, and will only help for so long. You have to face it, and although you will never forget nor forgive the person, you have to accept that it was an experience that made you a stronger person.

Remember:

“Regardless of how you feel right now; you are a beautiful, talented, and capable person whomever can achieve anything you set your mind to"

-Joey

To Gay or Not to Gay

We have all had our experience and stories about HIV. Being a homosexual creates this stigma and ultra sensitivity to being educated about HIV, which is a residual effect from the negative connotation of gays and HIV/AIDS from the 80’s. with our awareness, we sometimes forget to address being faced with HIV in a dating situation.

With my recent delve back into the dating world I have been confronted twice with a situation that I wasn’t aware I had not thought about in the past.

Using a dating app, I was messaged by someone, whom had no intention of trying to talk to me in that way (being quite a bit older than me) But simply wished to pay me a compliment. After having a decent conversation with this gentleman, with absolutely no mention of sex, I read and favorited his profile. It is not often that you get approached by someone who is interested in intelligent, non-sexual conversation.

In his profile he stated that he was HIV+ and it was then that I realized I had never thought about how I would handle that in my dating exploration. If someone was honest and upfront about

their status, how would I react.

My mind has been going over and over this for a few months now, the blog has been re-written a few times trying to think how to address this. I thought that I would just write what I know and my feelings, and I did not believe that was enough. So I attempted to get input by posting a poll on the Facebook. In my poll i asked, “Going to write a blog based off of this question, so I need as much participation as possible, and feel free to add your own answer as well…. Talking to someone and you discover they are HIV+, they have been upfront and honest with you about it. How do you react?” I gave a few options and left it open to add your own. This did not go as well as I had hoped. My post had reached over two hundred people, but three responses to the actual poll and the rest through comments with were maybe about 5 or 6 additional.

This made me realize that this is more of a “closeted” issue than I believed. Changing my way of writing this completely. In order to address the issue, it needs to be confronted head on.

Having an analytical mind, I first looked at the facts that I know about HIV. Then I thought about how I would react if I were to be positive. In all of my contemplation, all my theoretical situations, I came to the realization that for me, it doesn’t change a thing.

As long as the person I was talking to was honest, upfront, and fully disclosed I have no issue at all with dating a positive individual. Knowledge is power, and with that power you have a way of creating a safe environment to prevent infection.

HIV status in my eyes, is in the same boat as race, age, hair color, eye color, etcetera. It is nothing that pushes me to disengage the individual. An HIV + person is still a person.

The world has changed, modern medicine is an amazing thing. HIV is no longer a death sentence accompanied by a cocktail of pills.

I hope that with everything stated, I am not going to be misread. Safety is important regardless of how far we have come. Stay safe, get tested, be aware, and be smart.

The title of this blog is the chorus to a song by Justin Nozuka entitled “Save Him.” When I first heard this song, I was hit with a ton of emotions, I have not personally been a victim of physical abuse, but I know tons who have been. Ranging from Child to Domestic Abuse.

Child abuse is one of the hardest trauma’s to overcome, and leaves scars on the victim for life. I have no way of showing empathy towards those that have experienced physical child abuse, never being a victim of it myself.

Someone very special to me was a victim of child abuse, they were the punching bag to the frustration, and mental illness that was built up in the authoritative figure that dealt the blows. This person has had to overcome a lot to get to where they are today. Some of the most common effects I have noticed in these cases is a lack of confidence, a fear of rejection, and over-processing situations.

Dealing with these issues are no doubt hard, but remember there are those out there that do love and care for you. There is always someone to talk to, always someone that can help you. Don’t allow one person to belittle you. You are an amazing person. You don’t deserve any abuse, if its a situation you can get out of yourself , do it before it becomes worse. If you need help reach out.

The emotional and physical scars will eventually heal. They will always be with you but they will make you a stronger person. I honestly have no idea what more to type on the subject. I know that without experiencing this, I will never know how it truly feels. But I do know that you can turn it around, you can take it and make yourself stronger. I have seen people do this and know that with the right help it is possible. Please reach out and find someone if you are struggling.

I love coming out stories, Whether they are good or bad, I enjoy hearing peoples reactions and different situations. I know coming out is a scary thing to do, and almost everyone has to do it at their own pace. There are also many, many stages of coming out. They are very similar for most people as the steps of grieving, or addiction recovery. Denial, Anger, Acceptance, and Announcing. I know my story touch a bit of all four of these plus some. I would like to share my coming out story with everyone; and then share my experiences following everything.

I came out fairly early compared to most people. I knew from the time age of 12 or 13 that something was different with me. I fought everything for the longest time, and tried to insist that I was a "normal" pubescent boy. I continued this through middle school, and thought that I was doing a fairly good job of it; apparently not too well.

I decided to confide in some of my closest friends first, and even though I was coming out, I started by saying I was bi. Things went well with the first two friends I told, me and these girls were fairly close. My closest friend I was scared to death to tell, but I did. Him and I had been friends for as long as I could remember, we grew up 5 houses away from each other, and I considered him a brother.

Nothing hurt worse than being dropped by this person and after this rejection; more followed. I went from being well liked and fairly popular among within the walls of school, to being an outcast. My freshman and part of my sophomore year I continued the "Bi" act. Until I finally had to just admit that I was gay.

Becoming an outcast created a pretty bad time in life for me. I went from being an A&B honors student with a 3.7 GPA to being a gothic, suicidal stoner that was more interested in skipping school and getting high than actually attending classes. My sophomore year I missed a third of the school year. my A's and B's turned into C's & D's with the occasional F.

It took until senior year for a lot of the maturity to settle in among my peers, and for the name calling and bullying to stop. I lost the goth look in my senior year and began to have a "normal" life again. Minus my best friend.

To this day that person has not talked to me again, it hurts but it has made me stronger.

Coming out to my family was a piece of cake. I did it around the same time and the same way. The only family issue i had was with my grandfather. Whom did not talk much with me the first few months, but eventually we became close again and even joke around about it.

I feel fortunate to have had an accepting family, and eventually accepting friends. The experience made me realize that those that matter are the ones that accept you for who you are, whether it be sexuality, race, or religion. True friends are there for you regardless, and will not only support you, but stand up for you as well.

I believe that NO ONE should be forced out of the closet. It is a delicate process of coming into who you are. Some people may need help, help to over come there fear of rejection. Help dealing with the emotional turmoil that occurs before coming out. My advice to those that have yet to come out is to be honest. The relief of being able to be true to yourself around everyone is refreshing.

I seldom hide my sexuality now. I do not by any means advertise that I am gay, I am not flamboyant and loud, but I do not deny it if asked. I am comfortable being a gay male, that has overcome a lot of obstacle in my life and is still able to stand on my two feet. I hope to help those that ask for it, and wish to be there as a support for anyone that needs it.

Remember: Before you can be both loved and accepted by others, you must both love and accept yourself.

I would like to invite whomever reads this to share their coming out stories with me. If you don't mind being open and sharing to everyone post it to www.facebook.com/togayornottogay and if you would rather do it in a more anonymous matter, email it to me at TGONTGBlog@gmail.com - include your permission to post anonymously through Facebook or tell me that you would rather it not be shared. I will respect everyone's privacy when it comes to this matter.

Back with a vengeance!

Here we are again, staring at the possibility of another set-back in the community within Tennessee.

It's been two years since the original bill was introduced, which prohibited the recognition of homosexuality in Elementary and Middle Schools, but now includes an addition to require faculty to "out" any student suspected of being gay, or "engaging in homosexual behavior.

Many different arguments against this. The most important issue when it comes to this is making even harder to get a student experiencing bullying to come forth. A student now, for fear of being outed, will hold in even more emotions than before. This forced outing is also very detrimental. A child coming out to there parents is a sacred thing, whether it happens on the child's own will or not is going to have a lot of bearing on how that child deals with his/her sexuality. A forced outing is setup for disaster. This could lead up to anything from rejection and abandonment (already a fear for most gays) to forced anti-gay therapy sessions.

The world needs to realize that we have individuality for a reason. People are born in all different colors, shapes, sizes, and sexual orientations for a reason. Until society can accept that there different is not bad, we are doomed to force children into horrible situations.

Leaving a child in a state of confusion of fear, and of rejection will only lead to a higher youth suicide rate. (Already an issue in TN, especially among LGBT youth)

I highly doubt that this bill will get any further than the original, but just the idea that someone could believe this would help anyone is appalling.

A close friend of mine sent me a text message the other day, and it is what inspired this blog; making me realize that there is not only an issue in the community with confidence and self image, but also with support from others members of the community.

My friend asked me if I believed in him. Then proceeded to shock me with a plethora of beliefs he had that were not only reflective of low self-esteem, but also very self destructive. All of which surprised me coming out of this person, whom I registered to be a confident person, intellectual, and outgoing person.

This side of him I have never seen before. These are things I would expect to hear coming out of my mouth, not his. Then it hit me; Confidence is something that a lot of us in the community lack. Stemming from either bashing, rejection, or even past relationships.

We have to stop beating ourselves up. I know I do this a lot, and so do many of you...don't lie, you know it is true. I know that I consistently doubt, and put down myself. This is something we all must stop doing. I invite everyone to a challenge, every morning when you look in the mirror, say something nice to yourself. give yourself a compliment, because we all deserve one. Most importantly BELIEVE IT! If you don't, repeat it every day until you do. When you constantly put yourself down, you crush and let those people that have done it to you win.

It's amazing how one conversation can bring the realization of things. As a community we have got to stop putting ourselves down. We are allowing our fears of rejection, fears that are spawned from the feeling of being an outsider, rule our lives and control our actions. We are all amazing people with some sort of amazing talent.

A few days after our text messaging discussion, my friend and I got the chance to spend the day together and talk in person where he thank me for listening and giving input; giving fuel to this blog here.

We had come to a realization together that the community lacks a sense of support. Many of us are too concerned with our own problems to lend an ear to a fellow gay in need. Not only are we not there for each other, but how often do we take each other's problems and twist them and use them to cause drama?

Not only do we need to get over our lack of confidence, but we need to give a helping hand to each other. Lets stop with calling one another names, talking about each other, and spreading lies and rumors.

Lets change the world by changing us. Start with looking in the mirror and changing how we view ourselves, stop listening to what others say and take charge of your life. In addition to this we need to reach out and help our fellow gays do the same with themselves.

I leave you with lyrics from one of my favorite songs by Michael Jackson, "Man in the Mirror"

"I'm starting with the man in the mirror

I'm asking him to change his ways

And no message could have been any clearer

If you wanna make the world a better place

Take a look at yourself and then make a change, yey

Na na na, na na na, na na na na oh ho"

There is a lot of positive actions happening regarding the legalization of same sex marriage. DOMA has been deemed unconstitutional many times now. It would appear that the legal right for all to marry is right around the corner. The question I find myself asking is Are we ready for it?

Those in society that are against equal rights to marry argue that allowing gays to marry destroys the sanctity of marriage. We all know we can argue this point many ways (divorce rates, polygamist, adultery, men & women on there fourth, fifth or even sixth marriage) others argue that it would destroy the traditional family. Again too many arguments to list. Not to mention calling it a marriage is an affront to God and against everything holy (See the following book: "Same-sex unions in premodern Europe" By John Boswell) The argument I find most difficult to refute is the argument that marriage does not fit the “gay lifestyle”

What is the “gay lifestyle” you may ask. The gay lifestyle is one of promiscuity, polyamorous sexual relationships, partying, and drugs. A lot of you may be thinking, well this is a stereotype. How can we discredit a stereotype when there stereotype is a reality. The majority of gay men are on these sites like Manhunt, Grindr, and A4A looking for a quick screw or for "PNP". How often can you visit one of these "dating sites" and honestly find a person looking for love? As a gay man, I can say that finding a genuine individual on any dating site is hard.

As long as this behavior continues, acceptance of marriage equality is going to be hard to come by.

“To be, or not to be—that is the question:” ~Hamlet — William Shakespeare

To fit the stereotype, or to break the mold?
What does it mean to be gay?
Are you simply required to have sexual relations with those of the same gender?

This probably sounds funny, if not ridiculous, yet I find myself asking myself these questions. Do I truly fit into the gay culture? It comes to a shock when people talk with me and find out that what I want is not too different then what they, as a heterosexual want in life. Is it so wrong for a gay male to want the house with the white picket fence, a husband, a family, and a dog? Or is it just an exception to the norm people are used to hearing?

Is there an option for true love in the gay community? There are plenty of websites and smartphone applications out there for hooking-up; But how many are there for finding true love? Do you stick out like a sore thumb among the profiles of others looking for a quick roll in the hay, or do you spend your time hoping that person would just walk into your life? How long do you search, and get hurt before you give up and join the rest of them? I know of all the wonderful stories out there of couple that have been together for 40 - 50 years, and I am by no means discrediting them or dismissing them in this rant of mine.

This is about the community TODAY.
The generation of gays that I fit into (or don't). Now that this is all said, I can now introduce myself.

I am Joey A., A 23 year old gay male, living in a small town in Tennessee. I refer to myself as the less-than-typical and hopelessly romantic gay. i believe that I will someday find a husband that will love me for me, will do anything for me as I would for him, would want children (at the least one of mine, one of his, and one adopted), and would be with me until “death do us part” without lying, cheating, or wanting to “Play.”

I feel that if you bring up sex in the first conversation that you have with me, I’m sorry but that is obviously what’s on your mind. Don’t bother asking for a nude picture, I don’t have any and I’m not sharing. And most importantly I won’t have sex with you until we have been together and exclusive for three months.

Do I sound like a prude? Probably! Do I care? No. With me saying all this I am by no means claiming to be perfect. Do I make mistakes, of course I do, I am human after all. Have I had lapse’s in judgement? Of course I have! Have I drank a little to much and said/did things that I normally wouldn’t. Yupp!

Do I regret these things? No I do not. Life is too short for regret, instead you take your lesson and move on.

It seems to me that news sites and other blogs lately has been filled with stories regarding the anti-gay views of Chick-Fil-A. What do you expect people? The company is owned by highly conservative Christians-I mena come on they are closed on Sundays.

I will not lie, I did get caught up in the turmoil of it all when it first came out. Now, I look at is as just another thing to get over and be the bigger person about. I’m sorry but I love me some Chick-Fil-A, especially their Honey Roasted Barbecue sauce….hmmm.

This post in particular was inspired by the whole Chick-Fil-A being responsible for Adam Lambert not winning American Idol. (http://unicornbooty.com/blog/2012/08/14/it-turns-out-chick-fil-a-conspired-to-prevent-adam-lambert-from-winning-american-idol/) Come on now?!?!?! Really? Conspiracies over American Idol - Are we really grasping to keep this “Civil Rights Injustice & Discrimination” debate going that much?

Lets all grow up a little. I understand being upset by it, I would much rather support a company that supports my rights instead of one that uses their money to make them harder, but when it comes down to it if I had to give up something due to one groups views, I would be a very unhappy boy.

https://togayornottogay.tumblr.com/post/29589519096/eat-mor-chikin-get-over-it