A Transformative Year

December 21, 2020

While 2020 has been a year of challenges for the United States and the world in general, I look back at this past year with a full heart and endless gratitude. It has been a year since my life changed significantly.

2019 was a year of challenges, a year of awakening, and a year of empowerment in the end. I was diagnosed as having Bi-Polar II Disorder, Anxiety, and was struggling with major mental health issues. Many things were going on in my life that I was in one of the lowest and darkest times. Then, On October 27th, 2019, my 37-year-old sister passed away. A sharp blow to my heart, opening my eyes to my life’s inequity and loss of destiny. This event was the beginning of a massive change in my life.

After spending almost two weeks in Delaware, experiencing what was going on at home, I decided that I needed to make a change. For six and a half years, I lost who I was—participating in events that I usually abhorred, going against all of my beliefs, and believing that love was the reason for doing so. I was in a relationship with a Narcissist. Control, Manipulation, Lying, Cheating, Mental and Physical abuse were all endured with the thought that love could overcome it all. I became a shell of myself, void of interests, void of passion, and void of the will to continue. Three different occasions found me writing goodbye letters to the family and friends that I would leave behind. But I kept fighting and rebuilt bridges with my family.

The weekend of my birthday, I was asked to give my other sister a ride to a procedure and spend the weekend. I was more than happy to help and packed a bag. And so begins a new chapter. By the time the weekend was over, I knew I did not want to go back, and then when I decided to get my things, all hell broke loose, and I was able to get about 10% of my belongings; I got most of my clothing, important documents, pictures, and my two dogs. A few weeks later, my sister met up with him to pick up more things that he packed, useless things, things that did not have meaning or were needed, but there was supposed to be more. At that point, I decided I was happy with what I got; I didn’t need anything else. I was ready to start over. And the end to 6.5 years of uncertainty, of delusion, false friendships, and empty promises were over.

I had to start from rock bottom. I had no job, no vehicle, no confidence, but my will to succeed grew stronger and stronger. It also teaches you who the people that are true friends are. Narcissists have a talent for manipulation, forcing the belief that you are the bad guy onto others-that you were the one doing the evil and horrible things. But those that matter are the ones that stick by your side and help build you up. And building up, I certainly did; it took me a little, but I found a job. With the help of family rides and borrowing vehicles, I was able to make it there and begin building a new life. A few months passed, and I saved enough money to get a car, and then rebuild my credit a bit, and slowly rebuild my confidence. I started not only to find myself but recognize the person I saw in the mirror. I saw the potential that I had forfeited

With my new found confidence, I started to check off goals I was making for myself; I began to enjoy cooking, reading, and finding joy in things that I grew numb to in the past. I began to branch out of my comfort zone and push the limits of my anxiety. I had a rebound relationship, but it showed me that I was not only worthy of being cared for; but that I had a voice and did not need to settle for less than what I deserved in a relationship. I would not be the only one to sacrifice to make an effort, and I voiced my opinion and concerns as they arose. And finally, I found someone that the conversation, the chemistry, and everything developed entirely organic. Communication flows, the conversation never gets dull, and each day finds new and exciting aspects of one another.

The change and growth do not end here, Promotion, Getting my place, meeting the family, and finally living together. This year has seen me at my lowest and highest that I have been in years. I found myself; I found happiness. In one year, I have turned my life around completely.

There are many new adventures, many new chapters to write, and a story that my man and I are writing together.

So while 2020 was undoubtedly a trying and challenging year, it was a year of transformation. A year of discovery. A year of new paths, new friends, new vision, and refocus of priorities. 2021 is upon us. And as this next year will be a new experience for everyone, I want it to be a continuing transformative experience in my life.

To Gay or Not to Gay has been an outlet to me in the past, a passion that I failed to keep up with. In 2021 I am going to be posting one blog a week. With topics relating to that week in LGBT history, specific days, or different themes. Additionally, I will be committing myself to continue to find my passion for writing, and as other topics arise, I will push to get things out.

I want to end this post with a quote I wrote for a friend a few years ago.

“Regardless of how you feel right now, you are a beautiful, talented, and capable person who can achieve anything you set your mind to!”

– Joey ToGayOrNotToGay.